Taint

It wasn't my goal, in the beginning, to become a reader of her blog, but it happened anyway. When she confessed to my husband of some highly inappropriate goings-on in a manager's office, my interest was piqued. That she refused to acknowledge it beyond her "confession" to my husband was enough to implicate guilt. Of course, she doesn't see it that way.

I am a stupid woman. I let my emotions run me, wear me down, consume me. I know better, yet I keep at it until there's nothing left.

Why do we keep running until we hit that proverbial brick wall? Why can't some of us just stop what we're doing, realize that the impact is going to hurt, and turn around?

There are qualities to my character that I didn't want to admit to but this experience with my marriage has taught me that I cannot escape the inevitable.

Do I wish wrong on those who have wronged me? Absolutely. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably. Am I the only person to ever want vengeance upon another human soul? Not in a million years.

What really angers me is her denial that she did anything wrong; it's one of my buttons, my pet peeves, my nails on the chalkboard. How she can write about her life, admitting to some very fucked up transgressions and then blame another person absolutely pisses me off. However, as much as I want to be able to control this situation, I never will.

She recently wrote that she wanted my boss, sexually, that she wanted to absolutely consume him. Her veiled blog entry was completely transparent; it would only take basic knowledge from reading her blog to know what situation she was talking about. When I saw her in the store flirting with my boss, I wanted to scream. Why do I fucking care? Because it's my work, I have to look at this man and respect him and it's extremely hard to do that when there's a woman whoring herself quite publicly to him. So I was not surprised to read her posts following that visit:

......want to fuck him. I want to screw him in whatever way I can. I want to suck his dick, throw him against a wall and bite his neck and mostly, pull on his blue tie in a very provocative manner in the middle of his fucking work day, just to see him wiggle uncomfortably. He just does it for me and I would definitely do it for him, if he would just fucking let me......I tried to persuade him today, but he just wasn't having it. He has too much to do, too many eyes are on him, he has a wife, I have a boyfriend, there's nowhere to do it and it's not that he doesn't want to, he just can't! .........I guess if he acted like he did actually want to fuck me, it wouldn't be such an issue. Or maybe, if I could talk to him for more than ten minutes, while not using puns and ridiculous code for all the evil and dirty things we'd like to do, I'd be inclined to stick around just a little longer.........

......And on top of it all, I sent a letter to "boss's name here", telling him to get his ass in gear and now I'm absolutely paranoid that someone else is going to intercept it and he's going to be screwed. I'm such a fucking idiot......

Interestingly enough, this edit is what appeared shortly after she posted the above passage:

And on top of it all, I sent a letter to the notorious blue tie, telling him to get his ass in gear and now I'm absolutely paranoid that someone else is going to intercept it and he's going to be screwed.....

The blue tie code is important, because she now claims that "nbt" is not my boss, but an ex-boyfriend that has magically appeared out of nowhere. The ex-boyfriend story might be believable, had there not been revelations on her part that she enjoyed the attention from men, including the boss. She is completely fucked up.

She had me believing that I had, indeed, caused my boss to hate me, but I don't think that is an issue. That he is completely uncomfortable around me is quite obvious, but I realized when I went to management with the issue in the first place that some fallout would happen. However, time will erode all of this bullshit, it always does.

So I have used my powers for evil and what I am left with is the knowledge that I've made her life absolutely uncomfortable; that she holds some vehemence for me assures me of that (because if she didn't care, she wouldn't spend any amount of time writing about me in the first place; at least I have the balls to admit I give a shit, albeit completely inappropriately).

I wanted to leave a comment on her blog, pointing out the obvious, but I realized that that would be the hugest fucking mistake I could ever make. Instead I pour my anger out here, knowing that the ONLY person who will read it is myself, as it should be. I do not have, nor will I ever have, the desire or will to spam my blog address for others to read it.

Lesson learned: don't fucking wish harm on others, because it will probably backfire. Or at the very least, make sure it's swift and quick and absolutely NEVER leave witnesses.

Dirty LIttle Hate

I hate her. There, I said it. Am I supposed to feel some sense of relief here, because I don't. I just feel angrier.

She was in the store today and I the rage and hate that's been boiling under the surface emerged with a full vengeance. I fucking hate it.

I am sickened because I work for a company that feels it's okay to lie to their employees. Now, I am not stupid, I realized what kind of company I worked for a long time ago. It's just that I thought I did the right thing by going to management with a problem, a problem that I assumed would be taken care of. But it wasn't. Instead I was told, "you did the right thing....." and "he was in awe that you came forward", but now I wonder if any of that was true at all.

She stood there talking to him like it was her God-given right, that she could saunter in and pay a visit to a man she admitted to pursuing and wants sexually. A married man. Who is also my boss.

It makes me want to vomit.

I almost want her to show up at my house, so I can unleash the last few month's worth of rage on her ass; I know it would be spectacular. However, I don't think she's that stupid, although I've been proven wrong before.

I now sit here, angry and disgusted, wondering what I should do next, if anything. My husband has decided to pretty much ignore all of it, including her. In fact, efforts on my part to bring up any lingering feelings regarding her are met with, "just drop it, okay?" Drop it. Right.

I want to be able to go to someone and say, "alright, this happened and now I am feeling incredibly uncomfortable working, and that's not right because I enjoy my job....can you please help me out here", but I doubt I will get any satisfaction.

The bright side is that she is probably only here for the weekend, and then she will whore her ass back to TO, where she belongs.

I know that the idea of her will have to fade away, but right now the wounds are still fresh, and haven't had time to heal.

In a perfect world, she would have disappeared and never come back. But this is reality and in the real world the hurt never completely goes away.

September Mourning

I suppose at first glance one would see this post's title and think, "Ah, another 9/11 memorial page". Fuck that. That was 5 years ago, let's move on.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that what happened that day was a great travesty, but the media has exploited to the point where Joe (and Jane) Q. Public get to the point where they just can't stomach another 9/11 tribute, in any form. So, no, that's not what this is about. This is about something a little more tangible and closer to home for me.

September has been a phenomenally crappy month, which is very odd because it didn't start out in any memorable fashion, not good, bad or otherwise. However, with the words, "the crocodile hunter has died!!" September started a downward spiral.

My husband and I were playing WoW at the time of the news, when some ubergeeks started to stay that Steve Irwin was dead; we thought it was a joke. I alt-tabbed and quickly confirmed that he was indeed dead. Bummer.

Two days later I was faced with a sick cat and having to make a decision of having to put him to sleep or spending loads of money to find out that I need to put him to sleep; I chose the former.

Those two events were then compounded by the unexpected death of a fellow employee's wife. I did not know the man personally, but he worked with my husband and it was rather unexpected.

Steve Irwin, dead; Oliver, dead; Employee's wife, dead. What next.

This morning was a typical day, get up, shower, dress for work and go. I walked into the photo lab, just about to read the communication book when the phone rang. I answered to my husband's voice, a rarity for me (I usually call him).

"Your mom just called."

*heart sinking" "Oh, God."

"It's big."

"What...what's wrong??"

"Your sister's husband is dead".

What followed was me yelling, "OH MY GOD" repeatedly while customers stared at me in disbelief. I eventually changed phones and ultimately went home.

I am in shock, you never expect or are ready for that kind of phone call. The sad part is that all I can think is how bad my sister is hurting and what my niece is thinking right now.

I was not close to my brother-in-law. He worked out on a laker as a cook and was not home often. But he was still my sister's husband and to think that she is now a widow is unfathomable.

October is my favourite month of the whole year, not just because my birthday occurs during it. It's because the leaves change into a harmony of such vivid colours that it calms the soul. For me, it signals that inner peace I search for all year round.

I wait patiently for September to end, hoping that it has offered all the dissonance it has and welcome October's change.

It's what I live for.

Picture provided by Deviantart.com

Stupid Girl

"Don't tell your wife," she said, after revealing that our boss had sexually harrassed her (allegedly). With that my husband was given the absolute burden of knowing some very specific information pertaining to our place of employment and becoming concerned about someone he considered a friend.

It was, I'm sure, awful for him.

Given that we had just gone through a year of absolute shit in our marriage and that we were now well on our way to repairing it, the idea of keeping something as serious as this was unfathomable to him. Of course, he told me, knowing (and hoping) that I would help him digest this information.

I was not shocked by it because it confirmed what I had thought of her all along; that she was headed down a path of emotional destruction. I read her blog and realized that our boss was just another poor innocent in her wake, her having moved on from my husband.

I didn't have to think twice about what I was to do.

Her reaction was predictible: "you have no right to do this" and "there is nothing wrong". Nothing wrong with persuing a relationship with your boss or telling someone you think he wants to fuck you. Right.

My mind is blown by how ignorant she is. I honestly thought she was smarter than that. But she isn't. She is nothing more than a small, weak woman who will never know when the line is crossed. At least, not for others.

Not so long ago I told my husband I worried that he would get hurt by her, and he has. He told me that he will endure it and move on, that I have no doubt. But I still want to have my say with her, to finally face off to her and at last, show her how angry I truly am.

At least I know enough not to tell everyone my deepest secrets.

Photo provided by Deviantart.com

Dysfunctional Rhapsody

Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer, I even went to "college" to become one. But I realized after a year of partying and at only age 18, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't. But writing has always been a tool for me to escape, relieve, share, enjoy and create a world where I don't have to answer to anyone.

When I began blogging, I couldn't settle on any one blog utility. I have had several over the past few years, with some long ago abandonded. Through my many dalliances with therapists and like-minded groups, I was told that journalling was freeing for both your mind and soul, especially when you have a myriad of crap weighing you down.

I started this particular blog when I saw my second marriage started to falter. Ironically, I was also inspired to start writing after reading the other woman's blog; upon seeing the passion to which she applied her thoughts to a flashing screen moved me to start my own.

I mostly write in this blog because I know that very few people, if any at all, will be reading it, which is completely fine by me.

My life has been extremely complicated (as, I am sure, everyone's life is) and there was a time where I thought I would not be able to bear anymore. But of course, I always do and I move on, having learned whatever the trials are to teach.

When the other woman entered my life, I felt such an immense loathing that it changed who I was. It took her presence in my life for me to realize that something had to change, or my life was only going to get worse. I suppose I should thank her for that small favour, but, as she didn't introduce herself to my husband to enrich my life, I think I'll pass.

The events of the past year have capitulated to the point where I needed to decide to ignore it and walk away or stand by my convictions and step up; I chose the latter. So when I read that she was entering into a clandestine relationship with the boss of our place of employment, I spoke up. I knew that by doing so I was opening that proverbial can of worms, that I might also possibly be alienating myself from my co-workers and that I would probably become a very hated person. But I will not let something like this pass, especially since I, too, work there.

She doesn't see the error in her actions and, sadly, she never will. The fact that she is pursuing yet another married man does not phase her; she seems to be focused on how much I have "meddled" into her life.

As awkward as being at work has been lately, I know that in a month, two months, next year I will forget (mostly) about this. She will disappear and all I will be left with is knowing that I have grown as a person and that I have no regrets.

My life truly is a Jerry Springer episode.

Stay tuned for next week's show. It just may be a doozy.

Silent Screaming

I want to just unload the anger, frustration and sadness that I am holding inside as one gigantic scream. I want to unleash it all, into the silence, so that it is carried off and away.

The last year or more of my life has been a very arduous journey. There was never going to be an easy out or a happy ending, because that's not what life is about. I am not saying that life is never happy, just that certain experiences have to be soul-breaking or you can't grow from them. But my soul is so completely wasted that I don't know if I have anything left.

The transition of emotions that I have felt over this time period has been boggling; from anger, to sadness, to hope, back to anger and numbness, with a smidge of hope thrown back in there. I can't begin to explain it because I don't quite understand myself, but somewhere over this mindfuck of a trip I started to gain some faith in my life, and although it hasn't been one of daily diligence, it has at least restored some forgiveness in humanity.

I am angry and hurt that the blame for someone else's actions have been laid upon my shoulders. But I regret nothing in my decision. I will not stand idly by while knowing someone is abusing their power and that someone else is allowing it to happen, especially when this is happening in the very environment that I chose to work.

Meddling is no more the work of Satan then wantonly pursuing a married man, seducing him then tossing him aside for another married man. There is no sin in choosing to do the right thing.

I want to sleep for a thousand years and wake up when the world is born anew when hopefully, I am too.

At least I can dream.

picture provided by DeviantArt.com

Shifting

I've changed my mind. I said I did not wish you any ill will or that I hoped you would find some happiness on your own, but I've changed my mind.

Although I still do not, nor ever will, hate you, I greatly despise you. I think you are nothing more than an empty shell of a woman who is trying desperately to masquerade herself as a strong female figure. You, my schizoid friend, are not.

I have read enough of your blog to have a modicum of understanding of your being; it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out that you are the "little girl lost" trying to prove to everyone you're a tough woman, when in reality you are falling apart at the seams, with no one there to mend you. So you look to destroy other's lives, because that gives your pitiful existence some meaning.

I want you to know that at least two people within a management position know. They know what you've done, they know why you did it and they know who you are. But I will silently wait until you are gone and then I will let you fade away, as you rightfully deserve.

I firmly believe that you have some very fucked up emotional issues that for some reason you have chosen to project on to other women. I believe that it was yourself who posed as "ann" on LIAC, in an effort to capture me as the "psychotic bitch" you wanted everyone to believe me to be. I believe you like the attention of men because the ego-boost enlivens your dark spirit. And I believe that you will come crashing down from your mighty temple, with nothing left to salvage.

My husband loves me, he never stopped. That you were strictly a friend, in the beginning, is not a question anymore. But you chose to take advantage of his naivte and confusion, only to create a better one for him, in the end.

He only wanted to fuck you because you have a cunt, not because you were his "dream woman". Sure, any woman that isn't your spouse may well be a "dream woman", but as he told me, "it's a fantasy, that doesn't mean it's a good thing....I could never have a life with her....you are the only one who knows me, the only one I am comfortable being me with". Aside from the fact that you were willing to game with him, all you are to him is a set of tits and a willing pussy.

I cannot believe I ever let you intimidate me and destory my spirit. I cannot believe that you felt you were above me, helping yourself to another woman's husband. But I see, very clearly now, that I was not the one at fault.

You are a lesson for me, reminding me that I have and will continue to overcome adversity. You have allowed me to yet again test my limits and prove to myself that I am a strong and beautiful woman. For that, I suppose, I thank you.

I have changed my mind and yet I don't hate you. I pity you and take a small comfort in knowing that I will never be that emotionally vacant.

Eros, Logos: Blogging: a woman's life

Eros, Logos: Blogging: a woman's life

A very interesting blog regarding women, blogging and anonymity. I find this extremely apropos to my current situation, as I ascribe to this philosophy: ".........writing the most intimate details of our lives is a kind of therapy or confessional, and like therapy or the sacrament of confession, requires some promise of confidentiality......."

Blogging has created an outlet for me, to allow me to weed through some very fucked up bullshit swarming around my head. I do not need to send a mass-email to all my friends, telling them to "read my blog now!!!" because there are issues they need not know. I don't even want my husband to read it (of course, if he should ever find this blog and read it, I will not stop him).

Mostly, I am thankful because I have been given an opporunity to re-discover the creativity that was buried so long ago, and realize what a beautiful person I truly am.

Whirlwind

I've been having a bad fucking day. I have some nasty, raging PMS brewing and it has caused my perceptions to be less than favourable (to say that I am a little off would be like saying the bomb at Hiroshima was a just a slight bang).

As is per my usual sleeping patterns, I did not sleep well at all last night. I have been experience some of the worst nightmares I've had in awhile - I just do not remember them. All I know is that I awake in the morning feeling completely used up. This is completely unnerving for me as I want to know why, but can't. It fucking bites.

My husband and I have been blissfully alone for the past two days, something that is an extreme rarity. Yesterday was beautiful, we just enjoyed spending time together, and for that rare once-a-week treat, falling asleep together. But today has been a bit tipsy, my emotions roiling with fuck-knows and his just wanting to blank it all out.

Our marriage has changed immensely over the past few months, as it rightfully should. Through examining the aftermath of an infidelity, I have discovered many aspects of my character, some of which I knew I had to change, some that I have used to become stronger.

I have realized that the family I was reared in was completely fucked up. It's funny how you spend your childhood/early adulthood with these people whom you thought to be the paragon of normalcy, only to have a life-altering event show you they weren't. I have realized that my parents' ideology on life is completely backwards and I cannot ascribe to it. It has made me avoid all of them, save the one member I cannot.

It has also shown me a different side of my marriage and my husband, that I had not seen before. I realize that we, as a couple, have forged our own little path, with our own mores and principles, the rest of the world be damned. It has challenged my own convincing and assured me that, as fucked up as it may be, this is our life, our marriage. We will do with it as we please.

When my suspicions were affirmed with a simple email check, I knew that our marriage was irrevocably changed. As I read "I felt a little weird being felt up.......not that I should be complaining though, it's not like I wasn't enjoying it.", my heart sank. I had just had surgery the day before and maybe the pain numbed my emotional reactions, I don't know. But I didn't have a huge meltdown as I expected myself to do. Instead I called my husband up and lied, telling him I was bleeding and sick to my stomach, could he come home. I hated lying and I hated the situation. My life was about to go through the toughest trials yet.

It has now been a little over 3 months since that discovery and in 3 months I feel like I've lived 3 years. I have struggled with how to deal with this woman and her unbelievable attitude toward the relationship she has with my husband. I've gone from "stay the fuck away from her" to "go ahead and fuck her", all for the sake of my husband. Yes, I realize that those statements are "WTF" worthy, but it's my little fucked up existence. I expect nobody to understand. As I am sure she full well does not.

I've read her blog, several times. I admitted this to my husband, of course, because I don't want to hide anything from him. He did not understand why I would want to, nor did she (of course she created a mountain out of the molehill by labeling me as "psychotic", simply because I chose to read her extremely vain and disturbing thoughts - know thy enemy has always been my defense.) I was forbidden to go to her blog, and one she contributes to, for my "well-being". I agreed and stayed away. But then my husband admitted to me that he still wanted to sleep with her and the rules changed yet again.

I understand why my husband wants to have sex with her. If I have not already explained, he was virgin when we met and I was the only woman he'd been with. It's natural to want to know what sex is like with others and I cannot provide him with empathy because I had had a few partners before him. So, after some really deep and confusing soul-searching, I told him that he had my blessing to fuck her. That is, if she still wanted to, and why wouldn't she. Afterall, she flaunted her sexuality in his face for months. I honestly figured she would jump at the chance. I was woefully wrong.

She has not taken my husband's actions, albeit a bit late in the game, well. She seems to be offended by it and the fact that I have given my blessing has thrown her into a tail spin. In her latest post she declares her friendship with my husband "over".

I won't tell my husband about this because he has to discover this on his own. I am prepared to be here for him, should he need me. But I will no longer step aside for the sake of a friendship that I KNEW was damaging, to everyone involved. She can be as delusional as she wants, but she is an unhealthy woman who will someday realize how empty her soul truly is.

But I will still be here, working on my marriage and knowing I did the right thing.

Attention Whore

Originally posted: Tuesday, May 23, 2006





Dear Ms. Attention Whore,

It has taken me three weeks to get to the point where I feel I can have my say.

You asked me what I truly thought of you and I told you I thought you were smart. That was not a lie, but I think you are incredibly stupid for someone so intelligent.

You hide behind whatever anger you have boiling inside and project it onto those you have wronged. YOU can't possibly be responsible for anything, can you? That would be admitting guilt and to admit guilt would be to fail.

You knew it was wrong to pursue a married man and yet you did it without conviction. Don't tell me you struggled, because obviously you didn't struggle hard enough. You admittedly seduced him, knowing full well he was at a fragile spot in his life and wouldn't say no. You forgot that you yourself were cheating on someone you claim to love. How on earth do you live with yourself.

You turned me into the bad guy, because that's the only way you can deal with your guilt. You didn't make any effort to change things, despite the fact that you tell yourself that. You KNEW what you were doing and that speaks volumes.

You are a classic attention whore, wanting men to lavish you with praise and lascivious leers to make you feel better. Whatever fucked up existence you have led up until this point in your life is not my problem. Why you feel the need to chase unavailable men is beyond my scope of understanding. You have what seems to be a very nice man in your life....so he is two hours away. Get a backbone and endure the long distance relationship. You will never be a strong woman if turning to other men fills that absence inside you.

For awhile I let you convince me I was an evil, rotten wife. I despaired that perhaps I didn't deserve a godamned thing and that maybe you were right. But I have had time to really think about it and I know this to not be true.

The fact is you don't know a thing about me. What you think you know was told to you through hurting eyes and you took that all in with glee. You never bothered to talk to me....that would've been too easy for you. Instead you lashed out at me, trying to convince him that I was not good enough for him. Luckily he is not one to listen to others.

I don't hate you and I never will. I feel sorry for you. That faith you lost so long ago should maybe be found again because you will eventually be swallowed alive by all the hate and grief you allow to consume you.

My husband means the world to me. Marriages are not perfect, people fall....but if they are strong enough and if they love each other enough, they make it work. You should realize by now that he loves me, always will and I love him. No amount of criticism from you will change that.

I pray that you depart from our lives and find whatever it is you are looking for. I hope that you and your boyfriend find whatever happiness you need to grow as a person.

I am on my way to healing and I only hope that you will too, someday.

Signed,
The Wife

Into the Fire

A little over a month ago I received an email from one of my biggest fans: the woman my husband cheated with. To be fair, she is also his "friend" and felt the need to dump all her emotional inadequacies right into my lap after I had the balls to say, "go away".

After months of speculation, I finally discovered what I had thought for months: he cheated. With her. At the time I was utterly devastated. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out. But there was my husband, still standing there, waiting for me, telling me he never stopped loving me. I realized that he hadn't cheated to hurt me, rather, just to satisfy a natural curiosity. But there was still the leftover emotional crap to deal with.

She penned me a six-page letter, whereby she impatiently messaged me via MSN to find out if I had read it. I hadn't, considering my husband had yet to give it to me. He only relinquished it to me after I told him it wasn't his to keep (of course, that didn't stop him from removing one page of the letter, of what I can only assume was more trivial bullshit on her account). In this letter she "explains" to me the dynamics of her "relationship" with my husband, that she doesn't want him and only ever wanted to fuck him because she disliked me so much. Charming. But at the end of this heartfelt prose she claims to want to befriend me. I bought it and I should know better. The other woman will never want to be your friend.

I responded to her letter by emailing her, letting her know I had read it and yes, we should get together to talk. Apparently this was the wrong thing to say because I received an email that baffled, angered and hurt me. " I do not like you anymore than I did a month ago and I do not want to be your best friend, or your pal, or even someone that's nice enough to listen to your problems when you're really stressed out." The fuck?

I despise head games. They are juvenile, exhausting and a waste of everyone's time. But what really pissed me off was the fact that she contradicted herself yet managed to somehow turn it around onto me. I fucking hate that shit.

I penned a very short response: get out of our lives. Before I sent it I asked my husband for his approval, because despite the complexity of the situation, she was still his friend. Already far barracaded away from having to deal with it, he told me to go ahead. So I did. What came next did not exactly surprise me. I knew she was probably going to snap like a cheap, overused sex toy, and boy, did she ever.

I have sat on this email for the past two months because I needed to deal with the rest of my life. My marriage has become my number one priority and sorting through all the backlash has been mind-numbing and arduous. But there was going to be a time when the email would echo through my thoughts and I would finally want to respond. I made a vow not to respond directly to her, as that would just be playing directly into her vapid little hands. Instead, I choose to post here, with hopes that this will finally rid this inane garbage from my mind, forever.

And so, it begins, the leap into the fire.

I'm writing this email because I've had enough. I've had enough of the complete load of bullshit that you've dumped on my relationship with your husband and I simply, can't take it any longer.

Let's get the overusage of the commas out of the way now. Because, I can't stand, not to mention, how impossibly difficult it is, to read her trite commentary, with all those commas (you will see what I mean further on). Next.

I wish you would have actually taken the time to talk to me. Whether it was in the form of a letter, an email, a phone conversation or a simple, "fuck you" on msn, it would have been better than what you've left me with. Left you with? You didn't give me the time to digest your letter, much less anything else. If you had been a little more patient perhaps neither of us would have gone down this path.

I'm insanely frustrated that it had to come to this, but unfortunately, I see no possible way of this ever working out and if I'm going to loose (good Lord, why??) my friendship with your husband, I might as well say my peace. Alright. Have at it.

I absolutely in the purest form of the word, HATE you. Zing. And I would say "the feeling is mutual, but it isn't. I won't give you the satisfaction.

From what I know of you, I think you're a lazy and ungrateful woman with no amount of intellect or emotional smarts in your empty fucking head. Therein lies the problem because you don't know me, you never did and you, sadly, never will.

I WANTED to be your friend in the beginning. I wanted to make sure that you knew that I had no intentions of doing anything with your husband because HE'S YOUR HUSBAND. Really. At what point did that happen, because I don't ever recall having a direct conversation with you. I paid for your movie tickets, offered to dye your hair and kept my mouth shut while you constantly battered my character through your asinine and completely unjustified lack of faith in your spouse. Hm. See, again, therein lies the problem. You never directly offered me anything, not to dye my hair, or otherwise. I heard about it in passing via my husband and it was always left at that. Had you approached me yourself, I would have seen some effort, but since you never did, I can only pass off that "gesture" as an empty attempt to placate me. As for my lack of faith in my husband, I will not further your "hate the wife" cause my attempting to justify that. My husband and I both know where those issues lie and that is good enough for me. As time passed, I grew overly concerned for your husband who was living his life to keep you happy. He was completely selfless, completely in love, completely honest and he sincerely didn't mind that his wife kept him from having friends because he just wanted to make sure she was ok. I never "kept" him from having friends. In the beginning I expressed my contention at your friendship. It made me uncomfortable and all my jealousy issues came to a head. Your perceptions are a tad off on this, but that's okay. You are not married to him, I am.

You are such an ungrateful cow. Thank you? If every man was as committed to their wives as Josh is to you, there would be no broken marriages. Again, thank you. Josh is a wonderful husband, but you give him far too much credit. NO marriage is perfect. I suggest you learn that now. As my relationship with Josh grew, the impressions that I learned that you had of me, completely broke me. I wonder what those impressions were, since I only ever expressed my dislike of your relationship with my husband, to my husband. I erroneously thought that I was confiding in him, not realizing that my illogical fears were translating strongly enough to him so that he told you how I felt. That was a mistake on his part, but you bear the biggest burden by never confronting me about it in the first place. I've never had the pleasure of being picked on because of my gender and for the first time in my life, I learned what it was like to be discriminated against based on something that was completely out of my hands. At first you wouldn't let Josh and I hangout at all. Our time together had to be supervised based on your asinine fear of an affair. Eventually, after much frustration and my admitted disliking of you, the only option we had was to lie. It's always convenient to blame the other person when you have erred, isn't it?

All we wanted to do was go to Taco fucking Bell and eat some disgusting, greasy food and you couldn't muster up the grace to find enough faith in your husband to let us, so we just lied. I am not going to deny that I behaved irrationally, but the ends do not justify the means.

It never got easier to like you. Did you ever truly try?

You acted like a complete baby when I came to your house to spend time with your husband. You bitched and moaned because he wasn't paying you attention and like a spoiled brat, ruined our few hours together with your pouting, moping silences and overwhelming accounts of your miserable life. Let me point out to you that you do not have the right to have "together" time with my husband. Hang out, sure. But "together time" is reserved for close lovers, not friends. Yes, I pouted. You were a very obvious threat to me and by that point in the game, you had already cheated with him. My instincts were on high alert and they were not wrong.

It was around then that I admitted to Josh that I considered having sex with him, only to piss you off. That statement speaks volumes of your character. I don't think I really need to comment. I sincerely hope it hurts you to know that your husband wants to have sex with other women. Not really. Despite what you may want to believe, my marriage is one where we have never held any secrets regarding sex. I knew that he has wanted to have sex with other women because he has only ever had me, and I agree with that curiosity. I sincerely hope it hurts you to know that he wanted to have it with me .... The fact that it was with you is nothing more than convenience. You were there, you are female, you have a vagina and that's all he needed. Congratulations on fitting the bill ....and if you choose to believe that the reason why your marriage will fail is because I've secretly had it out for you since the beginning, AWESOME. 'Cause I frankly, don't give a fuck no more. My marriage will never fail because of you, Anna. Get over yourself. And AWESOME use of the english language.

I am so tired of these preconceived notions of my character that you've derived from a private email that existed between me and your husband and your general and poor understanding of women. I'm so tired of being painted as a whore that wants to steal your family away from you and I'm so tired of constantly being berated for things I am not, and for things that I have not done, for the sake of your husband. See, this is where I get confused. You say you are tired of my preconceived notions. I believe that is guilt biting you right in your whorish ass. Yes, I have read your blog, and why not. You choose to publish your thoughts on just about every damn thing for the public to read. I read about your lust after various men and why should my husband be an exception. This whole situation did create a perfect opportunity for you, so I guess I can't blame you for that one. As for things you have not done? What things would that be? Groping my husband? Writing to him that you want to fuck him? Hm.

I'm sorry that I could not be stronger for his sake, but there is only so much battering someone can take before they raise a giant, proverbial middle finger to their attacker. Again, what "battering" did you endure from me? Did I ever say anything directly to you? Did you ever call me on any of it? Excuses seem to be your forte.

(a few paragraphs I am omitting because it's basically "blahblahblah" anyway, and not at all worth my time)

He gave up everything for you. His family, his home, his security blankets and his childhood and all I wanted was to be a soft place for him to fall when he was scared and confused about what steps to take next. How very eloquently put. Unfortunately you are completely ignorant to the facts because that's how you like it.

I'm done with you and I'm done with your husband. Oh, if only that had been true. I wish I had the patience and the grace to allow you to walk all over me further, but I can't allow it any longer. You have grandiose opinions of yourself, and the regard others give you. I'm tired of this situation, tired of bending over backwards to keep you from acting like an overbearing psycho and tired of having to tip toe around your insanity so Josh can keep a friend. You really shouldn't have gone through all that trouble, but, gee thanks.

And, the piece d resistance:

Fuck you Ann.

It should be noted that I took this email quite strongly, at first. I railed against its implications, hurt to the very core that she would be so stupid in all her stupefying glory. Then I found that she had posted it publicly and I was pissed. However, I take comfort in realizing that the fact she did that proves she is nothing more than an attention whore.

In time I have passed this off, realizing that it is just another chapter in my life where I can either learn from it or ignore it.

I have decided to chalk it up to an inexperienced young woman who will someday realize how empty her soul truly is.

Full Steam Ahead

I started blogging when my life took an unexpected turn, with the hopes of purging whatever hellish pain was writhing inside my head. Sometimes, this helped.

But I find myself holding back lately, not wanting to record for posterity the wicked thoughts contained within me. What if someone reads it. What if nobody does.

I am tired of be painted as this "derailed freight train of emotional bullshit and absolute lunacy" who choses to know her adversary. I am tired of hearing inaccuracies about my life. I am tired of not being able to defend myself, because what would that matter, anyway.
I am just tired.

But I have realized that I am a very intelligent woman, despite my doubts of myself, despite my fears and despite the opinions of mis-guided others.

I may not be chock-full of sage advice and I may possess a plethora of quirks, but I am, for all intents and purposes, a pretty normal person.

That is, of course, for a freight train.

Contented Cuckold

I decided to do a little research into adultery, as I myself am confused as to how to define it. Yes, it most certainly involves a breach of trust against your spouse/loved one. But if there is not sex involved, is it cheating? If your mate did it because they were curious, is it cheating? If they used the other party merely to satisfy this curiosity, is it cheating? And if they never intending to leave you, is it cheating.

I should preface the results by sharing my personal opinion on the matter. A year ago I would have probably said, "Cheating is final, once that trust is broken, you can't go back". But I've had alot to think about regarding the issue and my definition has thusly changed.

I plucked my husband young, and in doing so I claimed him as my own; nobody was to ever have him. But is that fair, given that I have had sexual experiences before he entered my life? Is it selfish to expect him NOT to feel what it is like to have another partner? The answer is so crazy, yet very logical. I believe that we, as humans, have a primal need to experience multiple partners. The carnality of sex is pure instinct. That's not to say, "fuck marriage, fuck vows, just go out and fuck whomever you please". But I am very open to sharing the experience with my husband.

It is because of this view that I am finding it very difficult to wrap my brain around what emotion I am supposed to be having about the affair. Yes, I am hurt, very hurt. Angry? No. I didn't even hate the other woman when she sent me a vile email. And yet I find myself wishing she would just disappear, so that my husband and I can move on. I just want to be able to put the past away and start on a future.

When my ex-husband cheated and left me, I was beyond devastated. I could barely function for months and I never want to go back there again. But this time was different, the circumstances, the people, me. Through all the shit, I still have my husband standing there holding his arms open for me and it's a strange sensation because I fully expected him to leave.

It is undeniable the effects a betrayal has on one's psyche, especially if you have already experienced it.

From Wikipedia:

Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who is sexually involved with a married person is also considered an adulterer. The common synonym for adultery is infidelity as well as unfaithfulness or in colloquial speech, cheating. It was also known in earlier times by the legalistic term "alienation of affection".[1]
The sexual partner of a person committing adultery is often referred to in legal documents (especially divorce proceedings) as a co-respondent, while the person whose spouse has been unfaithful is often labeled a cuckold; originally, the latter term was applied only to males, but in more recent times women have been characterized in this way too.

I find the following passage a little more relevant to what would be ideal in my situation:

A marriage in which both spouses agree that it is acceptable to have sexual relationships with other people is termed open marriage and the resulting sexual relationships, though still adulterous, are not treated as such by the spouses. Sometimes only one party in an open marriage will opt to have other sexual relationships, in which case the one who does not do so is referred to as a wittol, sometimes called a "contented cuckold".

Now I am weeding through all the painful, emotional shit so that we can get to the point where I say, "okay, honey, go out a fuck her". I just don't know if I will ever be able to say that.

If only she had had the balls to come to me directly, instead of hiding behind my husband and her rambling letter, we might have gotten to the point where I would have been a "contented cuckold".

I guess we'll never know.

Wound Licking

Originally posted Sunday, May 14, 2006
Infidelity. Cheating. Faithlessness. Cowardice. Pain. Hurt. Devastation.

You think I would have learned after my first marriage not to fuck things up again. Yeah, I never learn, it seems.

I recently discovered my second husband "cheated" on me, which is something of a conundrum. The reason I pose that is his transgression falls into a gray area of the definition of cheating - he did not have sex with her, kiss her nor does he love her. Was it cheating? Would it hurt more if he had had sex with her?

I find myself incredibly confused by the whole ordeal, not because he turned to another woman, but because I really am not hurt by that act. I am hurt more by the lying behind it all. However, if he had come straight out and told me that he wanted to have this experience with her, would I have gladly said, "Sure, honey, go right ahead, let me know how you make out!" Fuck no.I know I am not like most women. I suspected something was going on months ago.....only to be met with "you're paranoid" from him. Jesus, I lived through an affair with my first husband, you think I would have known. I would ask advice from co-workers, bitter aging women in their 40s and 50s who all told me to "keep your man in check" by denying him everything that gives him happiness. I wanted to crack my skull open, scoop out the emotional bits, and carry on. Alas, it was not so easy.What further confuses this whole issue is that I had to break his trust in order to find out he had broken mine. I went through his email.....I wish I could say I am sorry I did it, but I'm not.So that leaves us with rebuilding our marriage.

Do I trust him? Get angry at him? Hate him for the rest of my life? I decided that I hated/resented my ex-husband for far too long and I was not going to let that anger poison me again. I forgive him, completely and want to move on. What am I left with now is feelings of hurt and doubt that will slowly dissipate. I can't help but think of her, of what she felt when she was with him, of what she did to him. It is such a volatile situation because she hates me so much, which only makes the relationship harder to accept.He wants to remain friends with her. Every logical feeling in my being says, "NO FUCKING WAY", but when I think about where we are now in our marriage, I have to start trusting him sometime.

I had a conversation with her last week, which was harder than I thought it was going to be. She seemed very confused as to why I wasn't going on a homicidal rampage over the whole thing. I explained that I need to forgive in order to heal....and that my love for husband is far greater than any anger at all. I got the sense that she wanted me to berate her, yell, scream, call her a whore - I don't know. To do that, though, would be to give in to an emotion I want nothing to do with.Am I afraid it will happen again? No. I asked my husband if he would...he said no. However, I did ask him to tell me if he DOES plan on doing it again - at least I will know.It's all very fucked up but that's the way my life has been since forever.It just makes living a little more interesting, no?
posted by Stitched Up Soul @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

I've decided to start back up posting here. I have more to post on, but this is a place to start, at least.