Wound Licking

Originally posted Sunday, May 14, 2006
Infidelity. Cheating. Faithlessness. Cowardice. Pain. Hurt. Devastation.

You think I would have learned after my first marriage not to fuck things up again. Yeah, I never learn, it seems.

I recently discovered my second husband "cheated" on me, which is something of a conundrum. The reason I pose that is his transgression falls into a gray area of the definition of cheating - he did not have sex with her, kiss her nor does he love her. Was it cheating? Would it hurt more if he had had sex with her?

I find myself incredibly confused by the whole ordeal, not because he turned to another woman, but because I really am not hurt by that act. I am hurt more by the lying behind it all. However, if he had come straight out and told me that he wanted to have this experience with her, would I have gladly said, "Sure, honey, go right ahead, let me know how you make out!" Fuck no.I know I am not like most women. I suspected something was going on months ago.....only to be met with "you're paranoid" from him. Jesus, I lived through an affair with my first husband, you think I would have known. I would ask advice from co-workers, bitter aging women in their 40s and 50s who all told me to "keep your man in check" by denying him everything that gives him happiness. I wanted to crack my skull open, scoop out the emotional bits, and carry on. Alas, it was not so easy.What further confuses this whole issue is that I had to break his trust in order to find out he had broken mine. I went through his email.....I wish I could say I am sorry I did it, but I'm not.So that leaves us with rebuilding our marriage.

Do I trust him? Get angry at him? Hate him for the rest of my life? I decided that I hated/resented my ex-husband for far too long and I was not going to let that anger poison me again. I forgive him, completely and want to move on. What am I left with now is feelings of hurt and doubt that will slowly dissipate. I can't help but think of her, of what she felt when she was with him, of what she did to him. It is such a volatile situation because she hates me so much, which only makes the relationship harder to accept.He wants to remain friends with her. Every logical feeling in my being says, "NO FUCKING WAY", but when I think about where we are now in our marriage, I have to start trusting him sometime.

I had a conversation with her last week, which was harder than I thought it was going to be. She seemed very confused as to why I wasn't going on a homicidal rampage over the whole thing. I explained that I need to forgive in order to heal....and that my love for husband is far greater than any anger at all. I got the sense that she wanted me to berate her, yell, scream, call her a whore - I don't know. To do that, though, would be to give in to an emotion I want nothing to do with.Am I afraid it will happen again? No. I asked my husband if he would...he said no. However, I did ask him to tell me if he DOES plan on doing it again - at least I will know.It's all very fucked up but that's the way my life has been since forever.It just makes living a little more interesting, no?
posted by Stitched Up Soul @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

I've decided to start back up posting here. I have more to post on, but this is a place to start, at least.