Into the Fire

A little over a month ago I received an email from one of my biggest fans: the woman my husband cheated with. To be fair, she is also his "friend" and felt the need to dump all her emotional inadequacies right into my lap after I had the balls to say, "go away".

After months of speculation, I finally discovered what I had thought for months: he cheated. With her. At the time I was utterly devastated. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out. But there was my husband, still standing there, waiting for me, telling me he never stopped loving me. I realized that he hadn't cheated to hurt me, rather, just to satisfy a natural curiosity. But there was still the leftover emotional crap to deal with.

She penned me a six-page letter, whereby she impatiently messaged me via MSN to find out if I had read it. I hadn't, considering my husband had yet to give it to me. He only relinquished it to me after I told him it wasn't his to keep (of course, that didn't stop him from removing one page of the letter, of what I can only assume was more trivial bullshit on her account). In this letter she "explains" to me the dynamics of her "relationship" with my husband, that she doesn't want him and only ever wanted to fuck him because she disliked me so much. Charming. But at the end of this heartfelt prose she claims to want to befriend me. I bought it and I should know better. The other woman will never want to be your friend.

I responded to her letter by emailing her, letting her know I had read it and yes, we should get together to talk. Apparently this was the wrong thing to say because I received an email that baffled, angered and hurt me. " I do not like you anymore than I did a month ago and I do not want to be your best friend, or your pal, or even someone that's nice enough to listen to your problems when you're really stressed out." The fuck?

I despise head games. They are juvenile, exhausting and a waste of everyone's time. But what really pissed me off was the fact that she contradicted herself yet managed to somehow turn it around onto me. I fucking hate that shit.

I penned a very short response: get out of our lives. Before I sent it I asked my husband for his approval, because despite the complexity of the situation, she was still his friend. Already far barracaded away from having to deal with it, he told me to go ahead. So I did. What came next did not exactly surprise me. I knew she was probably going to snap like a cheap, overused sex toy, and boy, did she ever.

I have sat on this email for the past two months because I needed to deal with the rest of my life. My marriage has become my number one priority and sorting through all the backlash has been mind-numbing and arduous. But there was going to be a time when the email would echo through my thoughts and I would finally want to respond. I made a vow not to respond directly to her, as that would just be playing directly into her vapid little hands. Instead, I choose to post here, with hopes that this will finally rid this inane garbage from my mind, forever.

And so, it begins, the leap into the fire.

I'm writing this email because I've had enough. I've had enough of the complete load of bullshit that you've dumped on my relationship with your husband and I simply, can't take it any longer.

Let's get the overusage of the commas out of the way now. Because, I can't stand, not to mention, how impossibly difficult it is, to read her trite commentary, with all those commas (you will see what I mean further on). Next.

I wish you would have actually taken the time to talk to me. Whether it was in the form of a letter, an email, a phone conversation or a simple, "fuck you" on msn, it would have been better than what you've left me with. Left you with? You didn't give me the time to digest your letter, much less anything else. If you had been a little more patient perhaps neither of us would have gone down this path.

I'm insanely frustrated that it had to come to this, but unfortunately, I see no possible way of this ever working out and if I'm going to loose (good Lord, why??) my friendship with your husband, I might as well say my peace. Alright. Have at it.

I absolutely in the purest form of the word, HATE you. Zing. And I would say "the feeling is mutual, but it isn't. I won't give you the satisfaction.

From what I know of you, I think you're a lazy and ungrateful woman with no amount of intellect or emotional smarts in your empty fucking head. Therein lies the problem because you don't know me, you never did and you, sadly, never will.

I WANTED to be your friend in the beginning. I wanted to make sure that you knew that I had no intentions of doing anything with your husband because HE'S YOUR HUSBAND. Really. At what point did that happen, because I don't ever recall having a direct conversation with you. I paid for your movie tickets, offered to dye your hair and kept my mouth shut while you constantly battered my character through your asinine and completely unjustified lack of faith in your spouse. Hm. See, again, therein lies the problem. You never directly offered me anything, not to dye my hair, or otherwise. I heard about it in passing via my husband and it was always left at that. Had you approached me yourself, I would have seen some effort, but since you never did, I can only pass off that "gesture" as an empty attempt to placate me. As for my lack of faith in my husband, I will not further your "hate the wife" cause my attempting to justify that. My husband and I both know where those issues lie and that is good enough for me. As time passed, I grew overly concerned for your husband who was living his life to keep you happy. He was completely selfless, completely in love, completely honest and he sincerely didn't mind that his wife kept him from having friends because he just wanted to make sure she was ok. I never "kept" him from having friends. In the beginning I expressed my contention at your friendship. It made me uncomfortable and all my jealousy issues came to a head. Your perceptions are a tad off on this, but that's okay. You are not married to him, I am.

You are such an ungrateful cow. Thank you? If every man was as committed to their wives as Josh is to you, there would be no broken marriages. Again, thank you. Josh is a wonderful husband, but you give him far too much credit. NO marriage is perfect. I suggest you learn that now. As my relationship with Josh grew, the impressions that I learned that you had of me, completely broke me. I wonder what those impressions were, since I only ever expressed my dislike of your relationship with my husband, to my husband. I erroneously thought that I was confiding in him, not realizing that my illogical fears were translating strongly enough to him so that he told you how I felt. That was a mistake on his part, but you bear the biggest burden by never confronting me about it in the first place. I've never had the pleasure of being picked on because of my gender and for the first time in my life, I learned what it was like to be discriminated against based on something that was completely out of my hands. At first you wouldn't let Josh and I hangout at all. Our time together had to be supervised based on your asinine fear of an affair. Eventually, after much frustration and my admitted disliking of you, the only option we had was to lie. It's always convenient to blame the other person when you have erred, isn't it?

All we wanted to do was go to Taco fucking Bell and eat some disgusting, greasy food and you couldn't muster up the grace to find enough faith in your husband to let us, so we just lied. I am not going to deny that I behaved irrationally, but the ends do not justify the means.

It never got easier to like you. Did you ever truly try?

You acted like a complete baby when I came to your house to spend time with your husband. You bitched and moaned because he wasn't paying you attention and like a spoiled brat, ruined our few hours together with your pouting, moping silences and overwhelming accounts of your miserable life. Let me point out to you that you do not have the right to have "together" time with my husband. Hang out, sure. But "together time" is reserved for close lovers, not friends. Yes, I pouted. You were a very obvious threat to me and by that point in the game, you had already cheated with him. My instincts were on high alert and they were not wrong.

It was around then that I admitted to Josh that I considered having sex with him, only to piss you off. That statement speaks volumes of your character. I don't think I really need to comment. I sincerely hope it hurts you to know that your husband wants to have sex with other women. Not really. Despite what you may want to believe, my marriage is one where we have never held any secrets regarding sex. I knew that he has wanted to have sex with other women because he has only ever had me, and I agree with that curiosity. I sincerely hope it hurts you to know that he wanted to have it with me .... The fact that it was with you is nothing more than convenience. You were there, you are female, you have a vagina and that's all he needed. Congratulations on fitting the bill ....and if you choose to believe that the reason why your marriage will fail is because I've secretly had it out for you since the beginning, AWESOME. 'Cause I frankly, don't give a fuck no more. My marriage will never fail because of you, Anna. Get over yourself. And AWESOME use of the english language.

I am so tired of these preconceived notions of my character that you've derived from a private email that existed between me and your husband and your general and poor understanding of women. I'm so tired of being painted as a whore that wants to steal your family away from you and I'm so tired of constantly being berated for things I am not, and for things that I have not done, for the sake of your husband. See, this is where I get confused. You say you are tired of my preconceived notions. I believe that is guilt biting you right in your whorish ass. Yes, I have read your blog, and why not. You choose to publish your thoughts on just about every damn thing for the public to read. I read about your lust after various men and why should my husband be an exception. This whole situation did create a perfect opportunity for you, so I guess I can't blame you for that one. As for things you have not done? What things would that be? Groping my husband? Writing to him that you want to fuck him? Hm.

I'm sorry that I could not be stronger for his sake, but there is only so much battering someone can take before they raise a giant, proverbial middle finger to their attacker. Again, what "battering" did you endure from me? Did I ever say anything directly to you? Did you ever call me on any of it? Excuses seem to be your forte.

(a few paragraphs I am omitting because it's basically "blahblahblah" anyway, and not at all worth my time)

He gave up everything for you. His family, his home, his security blankets and his childhood and all I wanted was to be a soft place for him to fall when he was scared and confused about what steps to take next. How very eloquently put. Unfortunately you are completely ignorant to the facts because that's how you like it.

I'm done with you and I'm done with your husband. Oh, if only that had been true. I wish I had the patience and the grace to allow you to walk all over me further, but I can't allow it any longer. You have grandiose opinions of yourself, and the regard others give you. I'm tired of this situation, tired of bending over backwards to keep you from acting like an overbearing psycho and tired of having to tip toe around your insanity so Josh can keep a friend. You really shouldn't have gone through all that trouble, but, gee thanks.

And, the piece d resistance:

Fuck you Ann.

It should be noted that I took this email quite strongly, at first. I railed against its implications, hurt to the very core that she would be so stupid in all her stupefying glory. Then I found that she had posted it publicly and I was pissed. However, I take comfort in realizing that the fact she did that proves she is nothing more than an attention whore.

In time I have passed this off, realizing that it is just another chapter in my life where I can either learn from it or ignore it.

I have decided to chalk it up to an inexperienced young woman who will someday realize how empty her soul truly is.