Dirty LIttle Hate

I hate her. There, I said it. Am I supposed to feel some sense of relief here, because I don't. I just feel angrier.

She was in the store today and I the rage and hate that's been boiling under the surface emerged with a full vengeance. I fucking hate it.

I am sickened because I work for a company that feels it's okay to lie to their employees. Now, I am not stupid, I realized what kind of company I worked for a long time ago. It's just that I thought I did the right thing by going to management with a problem, a problem that I assumed would be taken care of. But it wasn't. Instead I was told, "you did the right thing....." and "he was in awe that you came forward", but now I wonder if any of that was true at all.

She stood there talking to him like it was her God-given right, that she could saunter in and pay a visit to a man she admitted to pursuing and wants sexually. A married man. Who is also my boss.

It makes me want to vomit.

I almost want her to show up at my house, so I can unleash the last few month's worth of rage on her ass; I know it would be spectacular. However, I don't think she's that stupid, although I've been proven wrong before.

I now sit here, angry and disgusted, wondering what I should do next, if anything. My husband has decided to pretty much ignore all of it, including her. In fact, efforts on my part to bring up any lingering feelings regarding her are met with, "just drop it, okay?" Drop it. Right.

I want to be able to go to someone and say, "alright, this happened and now I am feeling incredibly uncomfortable working, and that's not right because I enjoy my job....can you please help me out here", but I doubt I will get any satisfaction.

The bright side is that she is probably only here for the weekend, and then she will whore her ass back to TO, where she belongs.

I know that the idea of her will have to fade away, but right now the wounds are still fresh, and haven't had time to heal.

In a perfect world, she would have disappeared and never come back. But this is reality and in the real world the hurt never completely goes away.

September Mourning

I suppose at first glance one would see this post's title and think, "Ah, another 9/11 memorial page". Fuck that. That was 5 years ago, let's move on.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that what happened that day was a great travesty, but the media has exploited to the point where Joe (and Jane) Q. Public get to the point where they just can't stomach another 9/11 tribute, in any form. So, no, that's not what this is about. This is about something a little more tangible and closer to home for me.

September has been a phenomenally crappy month, which is very odd because it didn't start out in any memorable fashion, not good, bad or otherwise. However, with the words, "the crocodile hunter has died!!" September started a downward spiral.

My husband and I were playing WoW at the time of the news, when some ubergeeks started to stay that Steve Irwin was dead; we thought it was a joke. I alt-tabbed and quickly confirmed that he was indeed dead. Bummer.

Two days later I was faced with a sick cat and having to make a decision of having to put him to sleep or spending loads of money to find out that I need to put him to sleep; I chose the former.

Those two events were then compounded by the unexpected death of a fellow employee's wife. I did not know the man personally, but he worked with my husband and it was rather unexpected.

Steve Irwin, dead; Oliver, dead; Employee's wife, dead. What next.

This morning was a typical day, get up, shower, dress for work and go. I walked into the photo lab, just about to read the communication book when the phone rang. I answered to my husband's voice, a rarity for me (I usually call him).

"Your mom just called."

*heart sinking" "Oh, God."

"It's big."

"What...what's wrong??"

"Your sister's husband is dead".

What followed was me yelling, "OH MY GOD" repeatedly while customers stared at me in disbelief. I eventually changed phones and ultimately went home.

I am in shock, you never expect or are ready for that kind of phone call. The sad part is that all I can think is how bad my sister is hurting and what my niece is thinking right now.

I was not close to my brother-in-law. He worked out on a laker as a cook and was not home often. But he was still my sister's husband and to think that she is now a widow is unfathomable.

October is my favourite month of the whole year, not just because my birthday occurs during it. It's because the leaves change into a harmony of such vivid colours that it calms the soul. For me, it signals that inner peace I search for all year round.

I wait patiently for September to end, hoping that it has offered all the dissonance it has and welcome October's change.

It's what I live for.

Picture provided by Deviantart.com