Sunshine & Lollipops

Well, it's been awhile, but I never promised I'd be dependable with this blog thing. This is the way my life goes.

It's been several months since the last entry and, of course, a lot has happened since then. She left, we moved, I got fatter. At least some aspects are constant.

While I would love to spend an entire post on what went wrong - or right - these past months, I would prefer to just vent. Because that's what this fucking blog is for, no?

As always, I have come to see changes around me and how they affect me. It's odd, I think, the way the weather affects my emotional well-being. When fall hits, I am calmed by the weather, not too hot, not too cold and the changing leaves have a peaceful tone to them. However, by the time winter rolls around I want to kill someone, anyone, including myself. I cannot stand the dark, dreary days of winter, the stark, cold temperatures and the short, brittle days. It makes me want to claw all my skin off. I despise the winter.

Last winter was extra-special because we here in the greater Niagara area got a prequel in the form of a freak snowstorm that blasted us with nearly 2.5 feet of snow, causing trees to snap like twigs and our mayor to declare a State of Emergency. This all on my 36th birthday. Woo.

At the time, it was "neat", insofar that Josh and I had never experienced a snowstorm together. Me, I grew up with them but that doesn't mean that I like them. Hell fucking no.

By January I was fit to be tied, but we were moving, so that was at least something to look forward to....until February, when we moved in, yep, a snowstorm.

I don't think I have yearned so much for California as I have this past winter season, and honestly, I don't think I can handle another winter. I want foggy, lukewarm winters. I want to look outside on Christmas Eve and see a field of green. I want to be able to wear my spring jacket in February and I want to sweat my ass off in August. And I want it now.

Today is gorgeous day, sunshine, warmish weather....hopefully that means spring is on the way. It's days like this that actually give me some hope, that I can do all those seemingly impossible tasks that seem to overwhelm me. It makes me want to actually believe in myself.

It was about this time last year that I started walking. I amazed even myself. I was out there, MP3 player helping to pump my adrenaline, actually loving being outside and feeling, for once in my life, healthy. And, by god, I lost weight. And then, as fast as that euphoria started, it ended, and I just....stopped. No more walking. No more feeling great. Summer gave way to fall and before I knew it, I was eating chocolate like it was my only salvation. Oh, the irony.

Last week I bought a pair of capris to wear at work, seeing that it's gotten quite humid in the lab. I pulled them off the rack, paid and didn't give it a second thought. Until I got home. And they barely fit.

I sunk into a mini-depression, lasting the weekend. I wanted to bury myself, truly. I wanted to feel sorry for myself, hate myself, drown in my sorrow, be so EMO it hurt. But I just couldn't. I thought about how far I had come over the past year..... how great I felt last summer ..... and I knew I could do it again.

So, this is my testament that I have turned over yet another new leaf, wary of what's there but anxious to find out.

Afterall, I'm too young to be another fat chick.