Contented Cuckold

I decided to do a little research into adultery, as I myself am confused as to how to define it. Yes, it most certainly involves a breach of trust against your spouse/loved one. But if there is not sex involved, is it cheating? If your mate did it because they were curious, is it cheating? If they used the other party merely to satisfy this curiosity, is it cheating? And if they never intending to leave you, is it cheating.

I should preface the results by sharing my personal opinion on the matter. A year ago I would have probably said, "Cheating is final, once that trust is broken, you can't go back". But I've had alot to think about regarding the issue and my definition has thusly changed.

I plucked my husband young, and in doing so I claimed him as my own; nobody was to ever have him. But is that fair, given that I have had sexual experiences before he entered my life? Is it selfish to expect him NOT to feel what it is like to have another partner? The answer is so crazy, yet very logical. I believe that we, as humans, have a primal need to experience multiple partners. The carnality of sex is pure instinct. That's not to say, "fuck marriage, fuck vows, just go out and fuck whomever you please". But I am very open to sharing the experience with my husband.

It is because of this view that I am finding it very difficult to wrap my brain around what emotion I am supposed to be having about the affair. Yes, I am hurt, very hurt. Angry? No. I didn't even hate the other woman when she sent me a vile email. And yet I find myself wishing she would just disappear, so that my husband and I can move on. I just want to be able to put the past away and start on a future.

When my ex-husband cheated and left me, I was beyond devastated. I could barely function for months and I never want to go back there again. But this time was different, the circumstances, the people, me. Through all the shit, I still have my husband standing there holding his arms open for me and it's a strange sensation because I fully expected him to leave.

It is undeniable the effects a betrayal has on one's psyche, especially if you have already experienced it.

From Wikipedia:

Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who is sexually involved with a married person is also considered an adulterer. The common synonym for adultery is infidelity as well as unfaithfulness or in colloquial speech, cheating. It was also known in earlier times by the legalistic term "alienation of affection".[1]
The sexual partner of a person committing adultery is often referred to in legal documents (especially divorce proceedings) as a co-respondent, while the person whose spouse has been unfaithful is often labeled a cuckold; originally, the latter term was applied only to males, but in more recent times women have been characterized in this way too.

I find the following passage a little more relevant to what would be ideal in my situation:

A marriage in which both spouses agree that it is acceptable to have sexual relationships with other people is termed open marriage and the resulting sexual relationships, though still adulterous, are not treated as such by the spouses. Sometimes only one party in an open marriage will opt to have other sexual relationships, in which case the one who does not do so is referred to as a wittol, sometimes called a "contented cuckold".

Now I am weeding through all the painful, emotional shit so that we can get to the point where I say, "okay, honey, go out a fuck her". I just don't know if I will ever be able to say that.

If only she had had the balls to come to me directly, instead of hiding behind my husband and her rambling letter, we might have gotten to the point where I would have been a "contented cuckold".

I guess we'll never know.

Wound Licking

Originally posted Sunday, May 14, 2006
Infidelity. Cheating. Faithlessness. Cowardice. Pain. Hurt. Devastation.

You think I would have learned after my first marriage not to fuck things up again. Yeah, I never learn, it seems.

I recently discovered my second husband "cheated" on me, which is something of a conundrum. The reason I pose that is his transgression falls into a gray area of the definition of cheating - he did not have sex with her, kiss her nor does he love her. Was it cheating? Would it hurt more if he had had sex with her?

I find myself incredibly confused by the whole ordeal, not because he turned to another woman, but because I really am not hurt by that act. I am hurt more by the lying behind it all. However, if he had come straight out and told me that he wanted to have this experience with her, would I have gladly said, "Sure, honey, go right ahead, let me know how you make out!" Fuck no.I know I am not like most women. I suspected something was going on months ago.....only to be met with "you're paranoid" from him. Jesus, I lived through an affair with my first husband, you think I would have known. I would ask advice from co-workers, bitter aging women in their 40s and 50s who all told me to "keep your man in check" by denying him everything that gives him happiness. I wanted to crack my skull open, scoop out the emotional bits, and carry on. Alas, it was not so easy.What further confuses this whole issue is that I had to break his trust in order to find out he had broken mine. I went through his email.....I wish I could say I am sorry I did it, but I'm not.So that leaves us with rebuilding our marriage.

Do I trust him? Get angry at him? Hate him for the rest of my life? I decided that I hated/resented my ex-husband for far too long and I was not going to let that anger poison me again. I forgive him, completely and want to move on. What am I left with now is feelings of hurt and doubt that will slowly dissipate. I can't help but think of her, of what she felt when she was with him, of what she did to him. It is such a volatile situation because she hates me so much, which only makes the relationship harder to accept.He wants to remain friends with her. Every logical feeling in my being says, "NO FUCKING WAY", but when I think about where we are now in our marriage, I have to start trusting him sometime.

I had a conversation with her last week, which was harder than I thought it was going to be. She seemed very confused as to why I wasn't going on a homicidal rampage over the whole thing. I explained that I need to forgive in order to heal....and that my love for husband is far greater than any anger at all. I got the sense that she wanted me to berate her, yell, scream, call her a whore - I don't know. To do that, though, would be to give in to an emotion I want nothing to do with.Am I afraid it will happen again? No. I asked my husband if he would...he said no. However, I did ask him to tell me if he DOES plan on doing it again - at least I will know.It's all very fucked up but that's the way my life has been since forever.It just makes living a little more interesting, no?
posted by Stitched Up Soul @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

I've decided to start back up posting here. I have more to post on, but this is a place to start, at least.